September 12, 2005

Since U Been Gone

I'm back from a week off.
The first three days of my vacation were great. I did nothing but sit in Starbucks and read, ignore my blackberry, and have dinner with friends.
And then, like a plague of spandex clad locusts,
Houseguest arrived.
I'll spare you the details, save that A) He remains as crazy and oblivious as he always has been, B) I was completely right in my prediction that all of his other friends who swore he could stay at their house mysteriously stopped answering their phones once he arrived, and so he spent all but one night on my couch C) He has no boundaries D) He bought a Madonna cover CD done in all cheesy disco that he blasted at ALL hours of the day, regardless of whether I had been listening to anything else at the time (seriously, fuckstick, a Madonna COVER CD??! Buy the immaculate collection! And Goddamnit, I was listening to Kelly Clarkson! ARGGGGGH!)
Audrey and I, on the plus side, had a fantastic time this weekend. At some point on Thursday we dubbed ourselves Lord and Lady Drinksalot, the Duke and Dutchess of the High Five, and consequently spent the rest of the weekend attending fashion shows and drinking to the point of physical illness.
The capper to my weekend occurred last night when I woke up on my couch at 1 a.m., as Houseguest was walking into the apartment.
Dan: Hi.
Houseguest: Hi. I'm going out clubbing. Is it OK is my friends come in for a second while I change?
Dan(Still not quite awake) : Sure.
Houseguest at this point does not buzz them in from the street, as I am expecting, but opens the apartment door to give entry to the two people he had already let into the building ho were waiting outside my apartment door.
Houseguest: Make yourselves at home. Do you want a drink?
Dan (mildly confused): We don't have anything to mix with.
Houseguest: I bought orange juice.
Dan: Did you buy vodka?
Houseguest (throwing open Dan's freezer and beginning to pour out bucket sized drinks for the strangers now poking through my DVD collection): You have some right here. Fellas, I'm going to shower. Have another drink if you need it while I'm showering.
And so began my slow burn into morning.
I checked my previously 3/4 full bottle of mandarin vodka before I left for work today. The bottom of the bottle is still a bit damp, so it's not a complete loss.
I was still feeling sick, (Audrey and I both developed some kind of cold/flu/viral infection/cirrhosis of the liver and spent Saturday and Sunday on the couch drinking orange juice and eating soup), but if I didn't get away from Houseguest I would have smothered him in his sleep, so there would be no taking of a sick day.
And of course, one bad apple spoils it for the whole bunch: I love you all, but if you're planning on coming to New York, you're staying at the Holiday Fucking Inn (except you, Bradders - you can stay with me any time).


Anonymous bradders0201 said...

Awww, I'm touched. As for "Houseguest" you should consider naming and shaming him or at least robbing his wallet. Hell, I would have told him f&%k off too, after getting him to replace the vodka of course xx

1:17 PM  
Blogger A* said...

He just got into a cab! YAY!!
That's me, always scoping out your building and such...

2:54 PM  
Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

Wow. Next time, do like Barbara Bush said, and "Just say no."

3:09 PM  
Blogger Dan said...

Actually ACW, It was Nancy Reagan who said "Just Say No".
Barbara Bush is most recently quoted as having said "Most of those people in the Superdome were impoverished anyways, so this works well for them." Ladies and Gentlement, I give you compassionate Conservatism at its finest.
Love Ya Bar! Mean It!

3:51 PM  
Blogger allison said...

That couch was NEW goddammit...and now it is tainted with the ugliness of Houseguest and his Band of Merry Freeloaders. Karma...come on, ol' boy...get 'em!

4:05 PM  
Blogger Serra said...

Notes for next time Houseguest calls:

1. Get Caller ID
2. Don't answer the fucking phone.

Repeat as needed.

10:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Um, can *I* still stay with you when I come to NY? I've known you since before you wore silk shirts to the eighth grade formal, for God's sake. That's gotta count for SOMETHING.
;-) JK. I'll be at the Hilton. -LJ

9:19 AM  
Blogger Dancinfairy said...

Wow. Houseguest? More like rude nightmare. Hope that you are getting over it now!

3:58 PM  
Blogger hofzinser said...

Now I want to get in a HUGE fight with A* and have her throw me out.... just to test your theory.

Would you answer the door?

Would you?

10:44 AM  

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