April 22, 2005

Poping Hot



Spain's lower house of Parliament approved a bill yesterday giving homosexual couples the right to marry and adopt children.
And there was much rejoicing.
But Not So Fast there, Spain.
Here comes Il Papa (Miss Ratzen if you're Nasty). And he is NOT happy. I know an entire country who's going to bed without dessert....
Yes, a few days into his reign, Darth Catholic has responded to the Spanish Parliament's actions by
encouraging Catholic Officials and "anyone in a profession linked with implementing homosexual marriages" to lose their jobs rather than cooperate with the law.
Honestly, I don't know if I can keep up this level of indignance. If he's going to spread it out like this, I'm going to burn out faster than the batteries in Paris Hilton's Vibrator.
Honestly Ratz, I'll save you the time. I've written you an all encompassing speech. Feel free to cut, paste, read, and then rest assured that you'll be ascending to the Right Hand, while the rest of us heathens burn in eternal Gay hellfire, which, unlike hetero hell, where they are forced to Eddie Murphy's "Love's Alright" album for all eternity, is a place where the clothes are all ill-fitting and flannel, and we're forced to watch professional wrestling scored to Kid Rock.

"My fellow Catholics,

The time has come to unite against the common enemy. And no, I'm not talking about unwed mothers. (Hold for 'Boo's). But rest assured, they, and their bastard children, are on short time (Hold for Applause). I am of course referring to the Gays.

You see, my dear brothers and sisters, they want things. And not just your children any more. They want to get married. They want to provide children with homes. They want to ADOPT. And WE WILL NOT HAVE IT! (Bang fist on altar for emphasis). It's bad enough that our everyday goodness is marred by their so-called "private relationships" and disgusting displays of affection. I can't tell you how many times a good prayer has been interrupted by the very thought that somewhere, two men might be engaged in certain acts which I dare not speak aloud, for fear that the Almighty would strike me down.

Families around this great Earth are falling apart, and I'll tell you why: The Gays have driven parents to drink, have made us workaholics, have encouraged violence in the home, and of course have seduced countless married men and women into cheating on their spouses. And don't think that just because people have heterosexual affairs that the Gays aren't responsible. Because they are. God told me so last night.

The time has come to unite. I am calling all good Catholics to start a movement. A Crusade, if you will. Throw off the shackles of your jobs, my children. Release yourselves from the Quote-UnQuote "Rule of Law". Gather yourselves in groups of 13, as Jesus did with his 12 Apostles, and take to the streets. Raise one hand high out in front of you as if reaching for the Lord, and march, putting one foot high in front of the other, together against this scourge.

If there's one thing I learned during my summers as a young man in Germany circa 1940, it's that if you want to marginalize a certain group in order to eventually justify widespread perpetration of violence against them, it all starts with housing. And we all know that in certain areas of the world, the Gays have already ghettoized themselves. In fact, as we speak, Prayer Groups are flooding Chelsea and West Hollywood, armed with Holy Water molotov cocktails and Crucifix-shaped nightsticks. Together we will drive the Gays back into the pits of Hell from whence they came.

Remember: The Gays brought this on themselves. The Lord created all things and loved them all. Except the Gays. The Gays are a tool of the Devil himself. I'm pretty sure they are responsible for famine and disease as well. Which we'll get working on as soon as we get rid of the Gays.

The Peace of the Lord Be with you always. Amen."

4 Comments:

Blogger Serra said...

Hiya Dan,
Guess they don't call him God's Rottweiler for nothing. Hard to believe he's MORE conservative than the last Pope.

1:32 PM  
Blogger quicksand said...

ENJOYED THE POOP ON THE POPE.NO SWEAT...THERE ARE MANY PEOPLE ON OUR SIDE.
THE BAD NEWS IS THAT THEY, THE RIGHT...(AND THEY EVER BELIEVE THAT THEY'RE RIGHT) ARE IN HYPER-POWER.
QUESTION...WHY DOES THE POPE LIVE IN A CASTLE LIKE SIR PRAYALOT?

2:57 PM  
Blogger A* said...

Oh honey...your rants of Da Ratz are, as always, precise, well-done and deliciously snarky.
quicksand:
ANSWER: The castle is b/c he is Jesus' favorite. The Cardinals said so.

8:44 AM  
Blogger MilesDavis said...

Dear Dan,
A superb piece of writing on "His Hollowness". You have a wonderful gift. Keep writing. I'll be back from time to time to enjoy your wit and intellect. - Miles

3:02 PM  

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