April 19, 2005

Bigger, Better, Faster, Catholicer





Awwwwwjeah. Hailing all the way from Germany, that land of tolerance and love, 78 years of age, weighing in at 180 lbs of Gay Hating, Jesus Loving, Jew Pandering, Woman Bashing, Former Hitler Youth (forced I know, but still...), God Fearing pure Infallibility, I give you Pope Benedict XVI!
I would so have chosen a better name than "Benedict". Pope JoeMama? Pope Max Power? Pope Joey Jojo Junior Shabadu? Come on man! Such a wasted chance at really making a mark on history.

In his first appearance, Il Papa, or Da Ratz, as he is known to close friends, stepped out onto the balcony and immediately provoked the crowd to throw their hands in the ay-ir and wave em like they just don't cay-er (cause, he's a true player).
Oddly, the very moment the white smoke rose from the Vatican, it also rose through the top 10 floors of my office building, due to an elevator fire. Coincidence? I think not. My firm is SO on the cutting edge of Papal notification technology. In lieu of fleeing for our lives, we all fell to our knees and reveled in the fact that, despite the rest of the world had not yet received the news, we knew there was a new kid in town, and he's got Jesus on his side.
I am sorely disappointed in the selection process for the Pope, however. Boring beyond all getout. They could have at least mud wrestled. Or possibly turned it into a reality show. Contestants would perform miracles and see who could best cloak outdated bigotry in the guise of religious fervor, only to be eliminated by the host (I'm thinking Jesus himself, if anyone can get a hold of his agent) pointing to them in Conclave and saying "You're Fallible."

3 Comments:

Blogger DjGino said...

I guess Alan Alda could always step in as "acting Pope" when Ratzenazi isn't up to making appearances.

7:17 PM  
Blogger DjGino said...

I guess Alan Alda could always step in as "acting Pope" when Ratzenazi isn't up to making appearances.

7:17 PM  
Blogger MooCow said...

Am I the only one who was hoping that it was John Ratzenberger, of Cheers and Toy Story fame? He'd make a good pope.

11:04 AM  

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