Toe to Toe

OK, can I talk to the Ladies for a minute?
Look, I'm all for tight pants. In point of fact I can't actually get into any of my jeans without having 2 friends hold them open, climbing onto the nearest piece of furniture and jumping into them. It's actually the reason I stopped having one night stands - I could never sneak out, but had to ask for assistance getting back into my pants. It got to be too much. But girls, there are certain body types that do not go well with certain pairs of tight pants. If you are zoftig, big boned, heavy set, "festive" or even just plain old fat, PLEASE dress accordingly.
Point is that yesterday I rounded the corner in my office and came upon one of our larger research analysts standing in my hall. She had opted for a pair of cotton pants that are relatively form fitting (I believe they are called "Gaucho Pants" or some such nonesense. Do the people who name these clothes have even the slightest idea what a Gaucho is? No? I used to. It has something to do with cowboys. And last I checked, John Wayne would not be caught dead wearing light cotton flare pants that only came down to mid-shin. Roy Rogers may have, but then again Roy could pull it off. He had the legs for it.).
And so, standing between me and the safety of my office, like some kind of lumpy bouncer, was the World's Largest Camel Toe.
Honestly. It was like staring into the sun. I'm relatively sure it winked at me. Had I not known better, I would have sworn there was a midget in the front of her pants mooning me.
Slick as I am, I could not simply observe the horror and move on, but rather froze at the other end of the 5 foot long hallway and commenced an Old West style standoff. Just me and Senor Camel Toe. It suddenly became almost appropriate that she was wearing the Gaucho pants. The real paradox lies in that if she hadn't worn the Gaucho pants, we would never have found ourselves in the Main Street-Camel Toe-Quickdraw situation at all. If only I'd brought my chaps.
We could have stood there all day, Camel Toe and I, if the head attached at the top of the tightly clad vuvla had not broken the silence by asking if there was something she could help me with.
Oh, Sweetie. No, but then again I'm not the one here who's in need of help.