It's YOOOGE!

Some of you may know something about my not-so-secret addiction to The Apprentice. And tonight started season 5, with, thus far, the most annoying contestant in the history of the show: Whiny Fat Guy Whose Name I Refuse To Learn Because He Won't Be Around Long Enough For It To Matter. And if we've leaned anything, it's that fat does not make for good reality TV. Unless it's in the form of a black woman on American Idol who can wail to the rafters (Go Mandisa! Can't Wait to see you lose and start a career performing in gay clubs the world over!). And like Anne Coulter with a microphone, Fatty seems to just be getting worse. Normally I'd be completely excited about scenes from next week's all new Apprentice. Unless they contained, as tonight's did, clips of Fat Bastard gyrating on the street in boxer shorts and a bathrobe. *Shudder*. The only thing that kept me from grabbing Griffin's nearest chew toy and taking out my now filthy, dirty, irreparably soiled eyes was the fact that the clip seems to indicate that Fatty's antics may just lead to his firing next week. I just worry that he might get waaaay too depressed, don his "Big Fun" T-Shirt, and take a swan dive off an overpass if he gets fired (Points for Martha Dunstock reference: 12). It isn't looking good, Tubby. If I were you, I'd be sweating like Dick Cheney's hunting partner.
Trump gave a bombastic speech (is he capable of any other kind?) over lunch with the winners (the relatively palatably named "Synergy Corporation", as opposed to the semi-retardedly monikered "Gold Rush Corporation" - Way to go, sycophants! Worst name since "Capital Edge"!) about the atrocities in Africa and the homeless (Atrocities are a 3 BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY! They're YOOOGE! And No One Carries Out Atrocities Like the Trump Organization!), using it to point out that "What we do is really not that important." And coming from the man with the biggest ego this side of Kanye West, that's just...scary. Honestly Trump. Don't be humble. We love you overinflated. Don't disappoint us. Martha was humble. And Her show sucked. Hard.
And WTF is with bringing in Ivanka to replace Carolyn? Ain't no one can ask a pointed question that has no right answer like my homegirl Carolyn. I fear her. And her hair. I want to go to a cocktail party with Carolyn some day, just to watch her stare down everyone in the room until they wet themselves. Seriously. Last season I piddled on the couch when she turned her icy gaze on Jen G and her "Tethno" cake and zapped her ass back to the land of socially crippled anorexic scarf-enthusiasts.
And lastly: Did anyone else notice that Orlando Bloom, still smarting from the failure of Elizabethtown and Kingdom of Heaven, has assumed the name of Tarek and attempted to kick start a career as Trump's boot licker?

"Elf"

"Project Manager"