October 13, 2005


Have you ever been to Philly? Boston?
Are you unfortunate enough to live in one of those cities?
Cause right about now I am feeling your pain.
Big cities can always find a good way ot make tourists look like assholes. OK, maybe tourists can always find a good way to make themselves look like assholes (*thinks back to this morning when family of five wearing matching khaki shorts, fanny packs and white visors passed, each member sporting a t-shirt emblazoned with the name of a different and exciting destination they had no doubt descended upon in the last year ("Phoenix!" backed by a vaguely Native American design on bright orange was my favorite)*). But here in New York we don't need yet another identifier. We know who you are. Trust me.
You're the idiot looking up. You're the moron eating anywhere within 6 blocks of Times Square, and paying $13 for a cheeseburger that doesn't contain truffles, aged cheese, or some kind of hormone-fed super beef. You're asking for directions to Ground Zero. And taking pictures of the kids in front of the massive hole in the ground when you get there. You're reading a map. You're eating at T.G.I. Fridays. You're asking where "Fay-O Schwartz" is. You're riding a carriage around Central Park. You're actually watching street performers. You're buying an "I (Heart) NY" T-shirt. You're complaining about the noise. You're walking 3 across on the sidewalk. You're looking for the Sex and the City Bus Tour. You think we're rude. You want to know where the "Soup Nazi" is. You're timid, but at the same time you're pushy, because you think that's how you have to be when you visit New York. You think you're going to get mugged on every corner. In broad daylight. While holding hands with a cop. You're outside the Today Show. You're outside TRL. You bring your children in to restaurants you ought not to. You're wearing shorts with socks and sandals. You've only located in Times Square, The Financial District, Central Park, 5th, Madison, and the major train stations. You have no idea that there are other neighborhoods. You're in line for Mama Mia. Or the Producers. Or Hairspray. You're on one of those double decker red buses. You're a little lost. You're in my way. You're pissing me off.
And now, not only is New York looking into a new way to corral tourists into large groups, we're giving them a means of being even more mind-meltingly annoying and making them mobile!
New York is getting those damned "Duck Tour" boats. When I go to Philly (and I'm not a tourist there, because Philly is home to Brother and his wife, so I am not wandering alone and have a good reason for being visiting other than that I really want to see if it's like it is on (insert name of TV show here) and those damned boats pass me, I have to reign in my barely controllable urge to climb the side and use my stylish shoes to bludgeon to death every single person who leans over the side and blows one of those fucking duck bill noisemakers at me.
Philly Peeps and Bostonians: Ya'll with me?
Most New Yorkers don't know it, but if you're lived here for more than 3 years, you can legally kill 1 tourist for each year you've lived in Manhattan proper (It's a little known legal loophole. Thanks Forham Law School!). And I am leading the charge to up that number.
Because I'm telling you, the first fully grown adult who makes the mistake of leaning his denim-shirt-clad self over the rail of one of these idiot pontoons and quacking at me is going to get yanked over the bow and strangled with his own fanny pack.


Blogger Serra said...

Ah, that's the spirit. I don't miss not living in a touristy area.

1:47 PM  
Blogger allison said...

Whenever I go to a nice restaurant, I order duck.

'Nuff said.

3:04 PM  
Blogger MooCow said...

So when I come out to NY, I should double the number of fanny packs I was planning on bringing?

7:53 PM  
Blogger Dancinfairy said...

If I ever make it to New York I will be taking a copy of your post so I know what not to do whilst I am there for fear of being beaten to death by your stylish shoes!

9:37 AM  
Blogger Cyrus said...

I used to work at an outdoor cafe in South Beach, cleverly located on the Ocean Drive segment of the Miami Duck Tour. Every time the quackers would pass, Robbie ( a smoking-at-the-table-from-New-Jersey-lifer waitress who was a cross between Flo from Mel's Diner and a prison warden)would scream "Look people...real life homosexuals dining in their natural environment! Take some pictures for the folks back home!" Made me pee everytime.

3:14 PM  

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